Collaboration for a Cause

About author Deborah Shouse

Deborah Shouse is a local Jewish writer and dementia advocate. She has an MBA but

uses it only in emergencies. She is the author of Love in the Land of Dementia: Finding

Hope in the Caregiver’s Journey and Connecting in the Land of Dementia: Creative

Activities to Explore Together. She recently published her debut novel: An Old Woman

Walks Into a Bar. Her writing has appeared in a variety of publications including The

Washington Post, The Kansas City Star, The Huffington Post, Natural Awakenings,

Reader’s Digest, Newsweek, Woman’s Day, Spirituality & Health, The Chicago Tribune

and Unity Magazine. Deborah has been featured in many anthologies, including more

than five-dozen Chicken Soup books.

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Letters From The Ungrateful Dead

  How does a mom cope with the unspeakable grief of her child’ s death? I never

thought I’d have to answer that question. 

     In 2021, more than 100,000 people died from drug overdoses in the US. My

47-year-old daughter, Hilee, was one of them. 

    My world stopped. My mind froze. My heart fractured. For months, I was trapped

in unbending sorrow, numbness, and disbelief. Then I found a grief therapist, who

advised me to write letters to Hilee. And to have Hilee write back to me. 

    “She’s dead. How will she write back?” I asked.  

    “Close your eyes, quiet your mind, and see if she speaks to you,” she advised.

     Initially, the concept of writing to my deceased child seemed impossible. Still, the

idea was a small light in my dark, bleak heart. One morning, I awoke early and I wrote

to her. I spilled my sorrow onto the page. When I was out of words, I closed my eyes,

took a breath, and listened.

Miraculously, I “heard” my daughter's voice and I wrote down everything she said.

So many of the things I missed about her—her snarky sense of humor, her brilliance,

her self-absorption (Yes, I missed that!) her love of the bizarre, her bouts of honesty—

were in her letter. What a relief: I instantly felt connected with her. Beyond that, I felt

she was happy to stay in touch with me. 

       Throughout her life, my daughter wrestled with the volatile emotions and erratic behaviors exacerbated by mental health issues and addiction. I wish I could say I was the perfect mother, but alas, I wrestled with co-dependence and guilt, yearning to help her and keep her safe without sacrificing my own heart and health. 

For months after she died, I wrote to Hilee daily, often several times a day. Composing the letters and writing down her answers transformed my grieving journey. Her letters brimmed with her unique irreverence, humor, and insights. Through our writings, we explored family dynamics, addiction, and mental health, as well as my own dreams and worries as a mother. This correspondence allowed me to arrive at a richer understanding of myself and my daughter. 

     Letters From The Ungrateful Dead offers hope and catharsis for grieving loved ones, particularly those whose adult children were not necessarily model citizens. It’s a raw, authentic, and humor-laden true story of a living mother and her dead daughter reaching out to each other and resolving their differences, through a vibrant post-death correspondence. 

 

About Crafted

Crafted, a fair trade retailer and non-profit organization incorporated in the State of Kansas to create opportunities for artisans in developing countries to earn income by bringing their products and stories to our markets through long-term, fair trading relationships.